My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
