I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
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