i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
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I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
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Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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