Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
