did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
