Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
