hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
