I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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