all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
