I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
