Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
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I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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