so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
