I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
