sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
