Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
