i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
