Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
