You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
