My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
pop tarts are not kleenex
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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