we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
