Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
