I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
