I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
