hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was not drunk enough for that final.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
