my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
