She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
