and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
