I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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