Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
