Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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