Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
