Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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