You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
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Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
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Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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