I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
