I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
