Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.