So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again