when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
