My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
