Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
