She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
