my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
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he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
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i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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