We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
