Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
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I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
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After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?