would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
