Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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