did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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