Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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