i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
me + whiskey = a bad person
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
