I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he fucked my hip out of place.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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