I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
