The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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