Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I AM VODKA MAN
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
