Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
