we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
