I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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